This is the first day that I feel well enough to sit up to write. The operation went relatively well. The 'mass/tissue' as our doctor tactfully calls it was removed through the bellybutton along with the right fallopian tube. (before and after photo above). My uterus was also scraped clean. On inspection of the left tube, the doctor saw that it is too narrow for sperm or eggs to pass through, so he left it intact. Our only option now is IVF - give my body 4/5 months to heal properly and we are on it!!
It was such a beautifully magic thing to be pregnant - words can't express.... I woke up after the operation with such an immediate overwhelming feeling of loss and emptiness, desperately needing Amandio (and Mama's 'Canja' - hen broth - soul comfort food I think). They kept me in the recovery room for 3 hours (waiting for my room - emergency op), snug with a hot blanket and a pipe blowing hot air around my body - drifting. When I became more lucid I asked one of the nurses to call Amandio. Poor guy, not only was he my emotional rock during the traumatic shock of the night before and moments before the early morning operation, (already wrecked from just returning from a hectic business trip)he also had to deal with our reluctant-to-cover insurance company (pregnancy isn't covered - despite my diagnosis being quite life threatening complication - so we had to pay ourselves), and then to top it all off he had to fight to get to see me when I woke up (not allowed into recovery). In the end the nurses took me to another room so that we could be together. I relaxed (tears streaming) as soon as my hand was in his and my face covered with kisses. Soon after I was taken to my room - pure luxury - almost a joy to be in hospital! Amandio didn't leave my side until 11:00 that night. We had a few closer friends come over with flowers and best wishes. I asked them to look after Amandio (seeing as I was too weak to) and they took him for dinner in a restaurant in the hospital and cheered him up with jokes and stories. One also called his boss (who is on holiday)to tell him what had happened. Immediately after Amandio was given a week's compassionate leave for both of us to spend healing time together "family first, the company will wait".
My first trip to the bathroom was probably the scariest moment of my life. Blood came gushing out on my way there, the room resembled a war zone. Amandio sat me on the toilet and held my head, with dozens of nurses fluttering about until I passed out. They woke me up, took me back into bed, got me cleaned up, painkiller injected and I slept. Needless to say, each time I went to the bathroom thereafter I was closely accompanied by three watchful nurses. I fainted again the following morning when the nurses were preparing a sitting shower for me.. back to bed and bed bath it was. Funny how in hospital with complete strangers all bodily intimidation disappears - a curious observation of our society. Anyway, it turns out, as the nurse with little English explained "when it was killed, you lose blood very much and are anemic". A few of those words hit me hard in the gut! Enter Amandio again with his warmth, compassionate eyes and comforting words. :-)
This week at home has been ironically wonderful. Arriving home was difficult for a moment (when I left I had been pregnant) and I have other spells where I cry, or am quiet, or need to talk. Amandio is ever present emotionally and physically, so extremely attentive - this is just a time full of loving intimacy. Even when I kind of 'torture' myself (Amandio sees it that way as he doesnt like seeing me put myself through extra pain) by asking Amandio if he had said 'goodbye'(which he had privately), or asking the doctor if he could see if it was a boy or girl etc.. he then quickly says "Sorry, you do what you need to do, in your way" - complete respect, awareness and acceptance of the other. Thank you. I love you :-)
Generally we are having loads of laughs (I won't go into detail, but lets just say there are plenty of strange things going on in my body as I recover - the funniest of which being that they pumped my stomach cavity with air!). It is almost like being teenagers in love again - very therapeutic for both of us. Amandio makes a great nurse: cooking, medication, bathroom trips, showering, washing/drying/brushing hair, dressing, changing dressings on a burn wound I got, taking me for daily walks in our apt to build up my strength - So incredibly patient, loving, tender and attentive. Together we have woven a warm cocoon of 'I love you's, kisses, hugs, laughter, intimacy and comfort. Perhaps this was meant to be - for this reason.... We are both determined to start with IVF as soon as we can.
Our families and close friends here have also been a terrific help. Thank you all for the loving thoughts and best wishes we have received. Khun Tim (our cleaning lady) has also provided support and entertainment for us, particularly for Amandio as they prepared my meals together with limited English!). She was very upset by all of this, giving me plenty of cuddles - she was so sweet - she went to the temple to pray for my recovery, buying blessed flowers for us. On Saturday she is taking our names with coins to give offerings to the Reclining Buddha (reknown for healing powers and the passing of the dead) to ask for a blessed baby for us and to pray for the spirit of our lost one. We are both very touched by this act of kindness.
I feel like we are slowly re-entering the outside world - my blog being an element of this. We are flying to Portugal tonight (Friday 27th) and are looking forward to getting even more TLC from our families. Oh yeah, Elma and Rinus are coming to visit us in Portugal too - I can't wait! All good things.... Life is beautiful :-)
