Updates: Goodbye little one

I am at a loss where to start. What was a beautiful moment - Amandio at my side, squeezing my hand, wrapped in a warm blanket of dreams, looking at fuzzy clouds on a black screen - turned into sadness....
The baby is now almost 4cm long, alive... but stuck in my right fallopian tube. Due to its size I have to have laparascopic surgery (tomorrow morning at 8am) to remove the whole tube. The doctor fears that it may rupture and cause hemorrhaging, thus the emergency. He will take a close look at my left fallopian tube to see if it is big enough for a fertilised egg to pass through and if everything else has healed properly since my last surgery. If not - I have entrusted him with that decision - he will remove that one too. If this is the case, our only option left to have our baby is IVF. I sense this baby's spirit.. a fighter.. it will make it - somehow :-)

Tears have been streaming down my face, eyes burning, heart breaking - an overwhelming feeling of loss. Amandio has been full of positive words, but giving me time to grieve and to express my sorrow in my own way. His compassionate tenderness and support are my lifeline right now. I acknowledge that there are feelings of guilt. I am not ignoring the guilt though as I know that only feeds it, making it 'fatter' (Thanks Elma - I love you) but giving it a little attention, not dwelling and then shrugging it off. This immense sadness is enough to deal with.

I realise I am not able to put all this into words yet. For now I am just 'being', quiet, giving it time... and cocooned in the comfort of our ever growing love for each other - reinforcing our bond. As Amandio says 'together we can withstand anything'.

I probably won't be contacting any of you for a while. I will be in the hospital until Sunday and the first 4 days after that (if it was like last time) helpless in bed. The doctor says that I will be just okay for our holiday (leaving to Portugal on Friday 27th), believing that a holiday with our family would be exactly what we need to gain the strength to recover. I know we will be in your thoughts.
I smile when I think of the love energy you will be sending our way.... will receive it loud and clear. Thank you :-) We will make it through this, I know.

Goodbye little one...