Another wait...10 days

I don't know why it is so difficult for me to write about these 'waiting' periods. Perhaps because this time is like a kaleidoscope of emotions playing tug of war. These shape shifting emotions, being very momentary and transient in nature, make it challenging to sculpt them into words. This time, it is not the anxiety of the unknown which is playing games with my rationality, but more the dark spindley fingers of fear wrapping themselves ruthlessly around the warmth and happiness that I feel. It is almost as if temporarily containing my euphoria is paramount in self protection. Let me try to explain... in pregnancy this is a very strange time. The first few days of extreme nausea dissipated, transfiguring into fatigue and random waves of feeling queasy. Emerging from these intangible signs of pregnancy is doubt .. and guilt when I forget. Then I chide myself for being too abrupt in my movements or careless. Naturally, I don't dwell on this and channel positive energy to draw on success. As my wise mother always says, don't feed those demons.. instead acknowledge them and allow them to amble on by. .. they're running.. :-)
I sense a female spirit. When conveying this to my mother, a woman very much in tune with spirituality and who swears she felt my spirit entering her body when I was conceived, I was surprised at her nonchalant remark "this probably derives from you feeling feminine due to all the extra oestrogen". Well, that took me by surprise.. she is probably right.. but I will admit that I already have a list of girls' names which I add to or detract from on my bedside table. Sometimes not knowing whether it is one or two is quite confusing.. particularly in times when I speak to them/it? internally. Ostensibly, Amandio and I have adopted 'two' in our communication... texts such as "how are my three babies this morning?" after which a smile erupts in my heart. Moreover, visualising both of them nestled in a warm pink cocoon, wrapped in an iridescent blanket of love before going to sleep at night, is a tranquil lullaby for all of us I think.
My biggest fear rests its laurels on the memories of the pain I felt on discovering that our last pregnancy was ectopic.. yes, during the first ultrasound which then was done at 8 weeks.. and this time will mark the end of this ten day wait. Any slight discomfort or pain on my left side immediately resounds bells of alarm .. the left side being where I have my only fallopian tube. It is relatively easy to squash this fear by justifiying it with the bouts of constipation and stomach cramps plaguing my days, brought about by my nightly progesteron inserts. Progesteron slows bowel activity and any movement in that general area in order for essential vitamins and minerals to pass to the growing placenta. The joys of it!
The days are slowly slipping by and have taken on a routine of eating regularly, drinking loads of water .. bathroom visits... mornings reading in the shade by the pool, catching up with friends on the internet, sleeping in the afternoons, watching movies in the late afternoons when I feel my worst and early to bed with my book.
Needless to say, I am happily awaiting Amandio's return tonight so that we can face my demons together. While I know that there will be a fear of disappointment gnawing at my insides as the day of the upcoming ultrasound approaches, I am confident that it will be a beautiful experience and can't wait to see them/it? safely attached in my uterus... looking forward... gingerly ;-)
There is also immense joy and gratitude in the knowledge that we are another step closer to accomplishing our dream... our own family. A dream conceived almost 6 years ago. Boy.. it has been a long wait! So, what is another few days?.. perhaps I am better at this waiting game than I thought ;-)