1st Ultrasound

LOL.. can you spot the 'yolk'? (look for the faint circular outline in the left of the gestational sac? (big black dot) - erm... that is supposed to be our baby).

What was a very stressful morning turned out to be an even weirder afternoon. Seeing the gestational sac on the monitor during the ultrasound.. IN MY UTERUS and not in my fallopian tube... didn't give me the sense of relief I was expecting. Amandio felt the same. On hindsight we both think that it has something to do with the fact that it was ONE and not twins. Strange that, I guess we had already become accustomed to the idea of twins and this in a way seemed like a let down. Silly really, it was only a possibility of twins anyway. To be honest, twins would have posed a challenge, both financially, in terms of our lifestyle and soon to be three storey home. This way we can focus all our energy on one spirit.. slightly less confusing too.

Naturally, we are overjoyed that there don't seem to be any complications so far and we even faintly spotted the circular 'yolk' (the new christened name for our baby! LOL) on the left corner of the sac. The ultrasound and size of the sac, which is full of fluid for the growing baby 'yolk', determined that we are now five weeks and 4/5 days pregnant. Our next ultrasound is on 11 October to hopefully see our 'yolk' more clearly. Also, I have decided to go back to work and do three hours maximum of teaching per day (I will request an easier course with few students). Our move will also get some attention now, starting with phone calls to removal companies on Monday. Life continues and we lovingly allow the 'yolk' to grow ;-)

Another wait...10 days

I don't know why it is so difficult for me to write about these 'waiting' periods. Perhaps because this time is like a kaleidoscope of emotions playing tug of war. These shape shifting emotions, being very momentary and transient in nature, make it challenging to sculpt them into words. This time, it is not the anxiety of the unknown which is playing games with my rationality, but more the dark spindley fingers of fear wrapping themselves ruthlessly around the warmth and happiness that I feel. It is almost as if temporarily containing my euphoria is paramount in self protection. Let me try to explain... in pregnancy this is a very strange time. The first few days of extreme nausea dissipated, transfiguring into fatigue and random waves of feeling queasy. Emerging from these intangible signs of pregnancy is doubt .. and guilt when I forget. Then I chide myself for being too abrupt in my movements or careless. Naturally, I don't dwell on this and channel positive energy to draw on success. As my wise mother always says, don't feed those demons.. instead acknowledge them and allow them to amble on by. .. they're running.. :-)
I sense a female spirit. When conveying this to my mother, a woman very much in tune with spirituality and who swears she felt my spirit entering her body when I was conceived, I was surprised at her nonchalant remark "this probably derives from you feeling feminine due to all the extra oestrogen". Well, that took me by surprise.. she is probably right.. but I will admit that I already have a list of girls' names which I add to or detract from on my bedside table. Sometimes not knowing whether it is one or two is quite confusing.. particularly in times when I speak to them/it? internally. Ostensibly, Amandio and I have adopted 'two' in our communication... texts such as "how are my three babies this morning?" after which a smile erupts in my heart. Moreover, visualising both of them nestled in a warm pink cocoon, wrapped in an iridescent blanket of love before going to sleep at night, is a tranquil lullaby for all of us I think.
My biggest fear rests its laurels on the memories of the pain I felt on discovering that our last pregnancy was ectopic.. yes, during the first ultrasound which then was done at 8 weeks.. and this time will mark the end of this ten day wait. Any slight discomfort or pain on my left side immediately resounds bells of alarm .. the left side being where I have my only fallopian tube. It is relatively easy to squash this fear by justifiying it with the bouts of constipation and stomach cramps plaguing my days, brought about by my nightly progesteron inserts. Progesteron slows bowel activity and any movement in that general area in order for essential vitamins and minerals to pass to the growing placenta. The joys of it!
The days are slowly slipping by and have taken on a routine of eating regularly, drinking loads of water .. bathroom visits... mornings reading in the shade by the pool, catching up with friends on the internet, sleeping in the afternoons, watching movies in the late afternoons when I feel my worst and early to bed with my book.
Needless to say, I am happily awaiting Amandio's return tonight so that we can face my demons together. While I know that there will be a fear of disappointment gnawing at my insides as the day of the upcoming ultrasound approaches, I am confident that it will be a beautiful experience and can't wait to see them/it? safely attached in my uterus... looking forward... gingerly ;-)
There is also immense joy and gratitude in the knowledge that we are another step closer to accomplishing our dream... our own family. A dream conceived almost 6 years ago. Boy.. it has been a long wait! So, what is another few days?.. perhaps I am better at this waiting game than I thought ;-)

IVF 9 - Pregnant!

The pregnancy test! :-) A bit of a change from the Home Pregnancy tests!

After a restless early morning with numerous trips to the bathroom and a beautiful message from Amandio (Sarita, no matter what happens, I love you) which put me at ease I was off in the taxi at the ungodly hour of 7:45, feeling apprehensive yet plagued by nausea, to do the Beta blood test at the hospital . I had a two hour wait in a quiet corner in the lounge for the results during which time I splashed out on a British decoration magazine and kept focusing on breathing to calm my jitters. I arrived back to the fertility clinic early where the nurse did the customary blood pressure and weight check. Then, I settled back on the couch to do some more of my favourite hobby these days.. 'waiting' :-)

Suddenly, (only after just over an hour) our doctor pops his head around the door and says.. "congratulations! we got the results" and shook my hand.. followed by a nurse who said "you're pregnant" and gave me a huge hug. I was stunned, in disbelief. It took me a second to regroup and realise that yes, I am pregnant, with the first IVF! My first reaction was to send a text to Amandio who, poor guy, is still in China. The next 20 minutes was a flurry of texts with Amandio (who is the biggest sweetheart), a silly wide grin a permanent fixture on my face.. and nurses walking past full of smiles and congrats (got to know them a bit after our numerous trips there). Finally, the doctor was ready to see me (he had many other patients to attend to) and after I had given him a hug of delight and appreciation, informed me that not only am I pregnant but there is also a strong possibility that I am pregnant with twins! Apparently, my HCG hormone level (released when the placenta starts forming - indication of pregnancy) is extremely high. The hCG hormone is measured in milli-international units per milliliter (mIU/ml). Over 50 is considered positive for pregnancy.. well, mine is 629!! Hence the speculation that there are two gestated embryos :-) Lots of excitement all day communicating the good news to family and friends.. feeling nauseas (yeah.. still need to write the TWW part of this blog to fill you in there - but the last two days, especially the mornings have been hell) and it is only going to get worse... but I am over the moon. Naturally, we are both feeling a little reserved as it is early days yet and we still have a long way to go, with more hurdles to cross.. but, by gosh, it is looking very positive! Oh, did I mention that it feels like a girl :-) (or two!). Well, as Amandio said.. "they are all welcome".

The Two Week Wait

This is perhaps the most agonising time. (oh.. good start! I have to lie down..not feeling at all well these last two days... to such an extent that I called the hospital today (16/09) to check .. will continue later)

Updates: Thai Politics

Interesting Times..

As you may have read, the political scene in Thailand is as hot as ever. Former PM Thaksin has jumped bail and taken refuge in the UK from where he continues to try to influence things here. Although he hasn’t managed to get his Thai assets unfrozen, he’s managed to turn a healthy profit on his Manchester City transactions. £50million or so in a year isn’t bad and should keep him in comfort while he plots his return. It must have been a shock when the courts handed out guilty verdicts to his wife and associates over their fraudulent land deal, and show every sign of hammering him too for his various alleged offences. Meanwhile, his lawyer is in jail for a particularly inept attempt to influence court officials with a 2million baht (£35,000) lunchbox.

The Foreign Minister (a Thaksin man, who gave him back his diplomatic passport, despite the ongoing corruption investigations) was forced to resign over his agreement to a proposal by Cambodia to nominate Preah Viharn as a World Heritage site. Preah Viharn is a Khmer temple on the Thai Cambodian border, whose ownership has been in dispute for years. Tension in border areas rose and soldiers were mobilised, but fortunately no shots were fired and the pressure seems to be subsiding now that everybody has got what they want from it. It was a useful political tool for the Cambodians at election time, and was also used by the Thai opposition as a rallying point against Samak’s government. The suspicion was that the agreement was good for the business interests in Cambodia of a certain person (Guess who? The name begins with T). Whether the accusation has any substance doesn’t matter, because in the current climate some Thais are ready to believe any allegation, true or not.

Current PM Samak is having a tough time too. The Popular Alliance for Democracy (PAD) which protested against Thaksin and eventually unseated him, has also been having a go at the current government, and Samak in particular. They have been demonstrating for several months and recently upped the stakes by invading Government House. They are still camped outside in a sea of mud because of the recent heavy rain - like Glastonbury without the music and toilets, but with good Thai food from vendors, who never miss an opportunity, and other supporters, many of them from the educated Bangkok middle classes. They also invaded the government TV station, accusing it of bias, and managed to close several regional airports, including Phuket, stranding 15,000+ passengers for day or two.

While PAD demonstrations in the south have been reasonably unopposed, a month ago, one in Udon Thani in the north east turned nasty when government supporters clashed with the PAD. One man was killed and many others wounded. Government supporters also started their own pro-government demonstrations in Bangkok and there was the potential for real trouble. Meanwhile Samak had been alternately threatening action against the PAD and then currying praise for his softly-softly approach, which has been forced on him because it appears the army is not with him. Without the backing of the army, who very sensibly say this is a political problem, and should be sorted out by political means, the police have been very restrained and Samak has appeared powerless.

He has so far resisted all attempts to make him resign because of this political strife, but he was forced to resign yesterday because, after becoming PM, he broke the rules by continuing to appear on a couple of TV cookery programmes which he has hosted for many years. Unfortunately the rules don’t disqualify him from standing again, so the expectation is that he will be re-appointed tomorrow by the ruling coalition. (One alternative appears to be Thaksin’s brother in law, but that won’t satisfy the PAD either.) This temporary setback is unlikely to deter him from continuing on his present path, which is leading the country into paralysis.

The Thais are faced with very uncomfortable choices: the current government, which for all its faults was at least democratically elected or the Popular Alliance for Democracy, which is not a political party, but a loose grouping, one of whose stated purposes is to reduce democracy because they claim that most Thais are not sophisticated enough to understand what it’s all about and will therefore vote where the money is, leading to institutionalised corruption. They may be right, but it’s not a very progressive attitude and doesn’t bode well for Thai politics in the future.

Samak’s coalition won the election with a thumping majority, giving the ruling Bangkok elite and the army a bloody nose in the process, because essentially, the government is Thai Rak Thai under another name, but without Thaksin. The coup in September 2006 therefore changed very little apart from getting rid of Thaksin himself.

However, the short-lived coup government did initiate anti-corruption investigations which have been grinding on remorselessly. This committee has been beavering away, resisting attempts to deflect it from its course and the courts have handed out guilty verdicts to those who are deemed to have misbehaved, which of course includes the T family.

Samak’s government has been trying to change the constitution to make these investigations unlawful so that Mr T can have all his money back, and so that over 100 politicians can re-enter politics despite vote-buying and other illegal electoral activities.

The PPP (Samak’s party) draws its support mainly from the north and northeast (T country). The PAD is supported mainly by the Bangkok educated classes and the south. The south has for many years been Democrat country. The Democrats are almost invisible at the moment despite having a very well-spoken Oxford-educated leader. They crop up in the papers occasionally, and have a substantial but insufficient number of seats in parliament, but the headlines have been grabbed by the PAD and Samak.

There seems to me to be a real danger of an even more divided country if Samak is re-appointed. One of the main aims of the PAD is to get rid of him so they will almost certainly continue to protest, with the prospect of violence between opposing groups of supporters. The time may come when the army is forced to step in to maintain civil order.

So, to summarise, the Thais have an elected government considered by many of being a front for Mr T, which might be forced out by an unelected group protesting against corruption and everything to do with Mr T, and which is openly advocating a less democratic system.

The economy has been badly hit by all the political uncertainty. For example the closure of the airports led to a flurry of cancellations by tourists, who just want their fortnight on the beaches and in the bars, without the risk of wasted days stuck at airports. We read today that tourist arrivals have dropped by 70%. The PAD and the government both seem intent on killing the goose which lays the golden eggs.

We just hope that a middle way can be found to restore peace and stability.

IVF 8

Thursday 4th September was Embryo transfer day. Full of anticipation Amandio and I, both donning green (Amandio) and blue (me) surgery gowns, hands sterilised, hair up in those shower cap things were a sight for sore eyes as we waited in a private hospital room. This was a real Kodak moment, but unfortunately we couldn't take the camera with us. I was like a yo-yo back and forth to the bathroom... my pre-surgery routine :-) A friendly nurse wished us luck as she took us to operating room 4.

In the operating theatre we learned from our doctor that 11 eggs had been successfully retrieved from my ovaries the previous Monday. During this time conditions of the reproductive tract were imitated - embryologists in the laboratory carefully controlled factors such as nutrients, acidity, humidity, temperature, gas composition of air, and exposure to light and the eggs were monitored for a few hours before insemination. The five hour interval between egg retrieval and insemination mimics the time required for the sperm and eggs to travel and meet in the fallopian tube following intercourse and ovulation. Out of the 11 eggs, 10 were healthy and adequate for fertilisation and leftundisturbed or another 12-18 hours. Usually 65% of these fertilise... 7 of mine did which were then closely monitored to check their development. Embryo selection criteria is based on the rate of embryo development and embryo morphology. 3 of our embryos were abnormal (which can lead to miscarriage, birth deformities etc). Delighted with 5 healthy embryos, 4 six celled and 1 seven celled we decided (well, actually the doctor did) to go for two.. No. 6 and 7 :-) The other three were frozen and will be (if No. 6/7 lead to pregnancy and baby) for the next five years... still a very weird concept for me.

Transfering No. 6 & 7, as we have affectionately christened them, was a beautiful process. Let me try to paint the picture and capture the mood. Amandio was steadfast at my side, hands held firmly... the doctor and his entourage of nurses busy between my bent legs, preparing my uterus. The IVF lab, where the embryos were cultured and incubated, was connected to the operating theatre via a small tinted window. The temperature was carefully set to 25 degrees, optimum for minimal embryo disturbance. The nurses bustling about suddenly became very serene, with gentle movements. The lights were switched off except for the spotlight exposing my well, you know.. and the dim light of a monitor. The window slid open and two hands gingerly passed the dish with the embryos to a nurse who placed them on a microscope. We saw our No. 6 & 7 for a few seconds on the monitor as they were carefully sucked up into a cather from the culture dish. With almost ceremonial moves it was passed to our doctor (he had previously opened my cervix wide enough and prepared the area) who inserted the incredibly long looking cather into my uterus and delicately pushed No. 6&7 into their new home. The air was dripping with magic, watchful eyes in the serene darkness, the positive thoughts sent out from those present and tenderness between Amandio and I was palpable. It wasn't until the cather had been passed back to the nurse who verified under the microscope that the contents had been removed, that the lights were switched back on. I then spent the next two hours on the same table motionless (for fear of upsetting them) and praying that No. 6&7 would adapt to their new home. Amandio was wonderful kissing my womb .. twice ;-) before curiosity led him around the room examining all the tubes, equipment, machines.. he even started fiddling with the buttons on my bed trying to make it slightly more comfortable. Despite my fears that he would cause my bed/table to flip, separate or somersault, he managed to raise my legs slightly to alleviate pressure on my back. After some quiet moments, Amandio left twenty minutes early to look after the bill and collect oestrogen tablets and progesteron inserts from the pharmacy and organise everything so that we could just leave after I got up. It was bed for me when I arrived home and that is where I stayed for the next 24 hours for the embryos to hopefully develop into blastoplasts and embed themselves in the lining of my womb. We hope and wait...

FIVE years

The surprise gift was this beautiful sapphire ring! Click on the image to see the detail. Gorgeous.. 18K white gold with a beautifully cut Ceylon sapphire and 36! cut diamonds (gives a great BLING!). I just love the heart shape on the side of the setting.. kind of Art Deco style (my fav). I still say Amandio is mad.. (thinking of bedside tables, bookcases, desk that needs buying for our new house).. but boy, it sure makes me feel extra special and loved :-)

Just had to quickly come to the computer to mark the five year date on my blog.

Amandio, I love you and hope we have many more glorious years to come.. we will get through everything together.. you and I, though very different people at times.. are made for each other.

Thanks for all the best wishes.. the operation went extremely well and now have two healthy embryos trying to find a home in my uterus lining. Will add more when I can..

Love you all

IVF 7

At what seemed like the crack of dawn on Monday morning after a broken sleep we battled our way through Bangkok traffic to the hospital (our home away from home these days). At 9am after being prepared I was taken to the operating theatre. Hands and faces fussed above me, skillfully positioning my body, robes, arms with bloodpressure band and finger with heart monitor. An IV was inserted into my hand.. nurses were rattling metal preparing the instruments (that looked scary enough) and the anaethesiologist leafed through a magazine behind my head as we awaited the arrival of my doctor. A squeeze on the arm and a 'sweet dreams' was the last thing I remember as the room began to swim before falling into a dark pit of oblivion. I woke up at 9:45 (there was a clock in front of me) with a deep thudding pain similar to a bad dose of menstrual cramps. Lifting my legs eased the pain slightly. I became aware of a nurse writing on my chart and two other women in the room. I drifted off to sleep knowing that I was to spend possibly two hours in recovery. So, with nothing else to do I pulled the blanket over my eyes (I hate those flourescent bright lights) and nodded off.. the tight squeeze of the blood pressure band awaking me every 20 minutes. Just over an hour later I was asked to sit up and move to the wheelchair.. the pain had subsided and I felt very coherent. I was wheeled to the IVF room where Amandio was waiting for me (he had already given his 'sample'... twice :-) The operation was actually pleasantly straight forward (expected some blood when going to the bathroom.. but wasn't any). Amandio took me home and put me to bed for some rest. I felt fine and actually spent the next few hours reading (Madame Bovary.. fantastic book!) until the munchies struck and off I went to the kitchen for some food. I am afraid I pigged out a bit (had been fasting for over 24 hours at this point) on bread and cheese. I don't know if this is what caused it but since then I have been suffering from severe bloating and tenderness in my whole stomach area. The next day I lay by the pool and was fairly active, talking to the building manager to hand in our notice, visited my neighbour friend and did some interneting. I got a little worried about the swelling when it didn't go down but a phone call to Amandio reminded me that I had had the same after my last operation (the anaesthetic wearing off). Today I decided to take it easy and haven't left the house, though I am sorely tempted to meet Amandio after work for dinner (it may be my last chance to go out in a while as I will be confined to my bed for a while after reinserting the embryo). I will probably not be able to update my blog for a while. The big day is on Thursday at 8:30 at we are both really looking forward to it!! We have no idea how many eggs have been fertilised, how the development of the embryos is progressing and will need to decide soon on how many good quality embryos we want to insert (twins?!) and freeze. Amandio will be present this time in the operating room (we thought that was important, afterall.. this is the conception of our baby :-) .. with a camera...

On a different note, things in Thailand seem to be getting progressively worse but funny how our own private concern takes precedence and overshadows the political turmoil that is ravaging the city. Fortunately, despite declaring the city in a state of emergency, nothing of this is reflected in our lives and things go on as normal. It is really only the area around the Government Building that is effected.
We also signed the contract of our new town house.. well, Amandio did.. last night. So, a move is imminent and on the horizon for November.

IVF 5 & 6

IVF 5 was a trip to the hospital on Saturday afternoon (28th) to do another ultrasound to check the development of the follicles. The report reads that my uterus is growing in thickness, the endometrial thickness being 10.3 for double layers (appears to be perfect). This time the leading follicle was 21.4mm and the 10 others ranged from 9mm to 19.2mm. Ready to start the process...



IVF 6.. that evening at 10pm (exactly 35hours before the retrieval of the eggs) I had to go to emergency to get another injection to induce ovulation. We actually had friends over for a Blackjack night, but Amandio came with me anyway, the sweetheart. This time it was in my stomach.. excruciating!! Just the thought of a needle entering my stomach had it in convulsions almost and the nurse had to relax me into it. What probably freaks me out the most is that stomachs are prone to involuntary jerks.. that could have disasterous results in my mind if a needle is also involved. The nurse was great and it all went smoothly. Meanwhile Amandio bought some Cafe Lattes and brownies from Starbucks (you haven't been to a real hospital until you have seen the opulence that is Bumrungrad. It is more a mix of a hotel and shopping mall.