Poetry: The Kiss

My eyes rest, hesitate,
Linger, drown deep in you,
Withdraw, temptation beckons.
Full, plush, budding lips,
Heat rising, tongue peaks out,
Runs over lips, burning persists.
Inching closer, millimetres apart,
Charged space, yearning,
Longing to touch the smooth,
Lush shape invites teasingly,
Need to give in, mouth aches.
Tongue flickers over dry lips,
Make moist, wet, I need to.
Captivated, external force,
Drawing me, moth to flame,
Quickened breath, eyes dilate.
To you I glide, I want to,
Sweet breath, brush lips,
Touch fleetingly....
Linger....
Delicately over silk, softness,
Hold steady, motionless.
Savour the delight, must,
Tempt me, tease me.
Flaming eyes, sensual, blind,
Deafening noise of silence,
Heart throbbing, flutters.
Again we play, moulding,
Breath dances, juices mingle,
Tingling lips, slowly tasting.
Overwhelming sensation, I hunger,
More, consume me, I must.
I plummet into depths,
Lost to wild abandon, passion.
Tongues dance, satisfying,
Smouldering desire, I lust,
Devouring slightly, pleasuring,
I disappear into you, a haven.
Joined, One....

Poetry: I Choose...

I Choose Happiness

When we dwell on gloomy negativity
Don't we allow and secretly welcome pain?
If we focus on what we don't want
Doesn't it fester and dominate our lives?

Alarm clock screeches, grumpy, a moan
Stub a toe, damn, a ladder in my tights
Dark thoughts, coffee stain on shirt
Shitty day ahead, spiralling cycle, I crash

When we embrace positive thoughts
Don't we accept good fortune and laugh?
If we ask and visualise our hearts desire
Doesn't it become a reality of dreams?

Alarm clock sings, rejoice, a smile
Stub a toe, I shrug, and let it go
Warm thoughts, sun is shining
Beautiful day ahead, embrace it, I shine

We hold the key to break the chains
Positive thoughts attract glorious actions
Love energy empowers the soul's universe
Forget the yesterdays, turn, face the tomorrows

Updates: Farewell Maldives

I am slowly packing my things, listening and dancing to 'You're Beautiful' James Blunt. The Maldivian dream has come to an end. I returned all 5 books I read to the library :-) I only just managed to finish 'Dear John' by Nicholas Sparks. This is a really great read; a beautiful, generous, unselfish modern love story....
Yesterday we went to the Spa for a massage - I decided to punish myself with a hard 'Swedish' massage. I love the hard pressure, very painful but after I feel like I am floating, all the knots kneaded out. (A bit sore this morning though!) Amandio opted for the more relaxing holistic massage. This luxurious pampering was followed by a bubble bath together in our open-air bathroom! I felt all of Amandio's stress easing away - after a month of Opera software installation (buzz words being: two way interface, data migration, neglected SOPs, upgrades, shell build, complications) and an all nighter when they went 'live' on Saturday. Boy, am I going to miss this bathroom!! One of the greatest luxuries - a spacious, bright, airy bathroom.

We are flying to Male at 3pm, then visiting the resort in Gili for a few hours before taking the boat back to Male and on to BKK. We will arrive there at 3am - I am glad that I have two days to settle down before I start work on Thursday.
One thing we have both solemly sworn after yesterday is that we are going to take more advantage of the Thai foot massages! It feels so good! Amandio's diet (as per nutritionist) is also going to start in earnest there - so plenty of things to look forward to :-)

Updates: 8yr Anniversary

9th June 1999 - The day we met.

You all probably know the story, but seeing as my blog is a type of diary I decided to write it all down (hmmm.. let's see if I remember :-) a bit sketchy on details.

Me; 21 years old (almost 22), a Tourism Management and Marketing Student looking for some summer work experience. I had had several interviews at travel agents, inbound/outbound tour operators and hotels before fate intervened and I set foot in Starwood European Customer Contact Centre. I was immediately attracted to the Corporate Culture and the huge variety of nationalities, languages and experiences of the staff (fun!). I also realised I could learn a lot about the multinational hotel world and perhaps make some useful contacts. I accepted the position offered (Reservations Agent taking Dutch, German and English calls).
So, I arrived at the office half an hour early (you know me, Dutch blood .. always early!) and was told to wait in the canteen. Some people were sitting around a table so I joined them. It turns out that they were also new hires starting that day (3 week induction/systems/call handling guidelines/product knowledge training). The door opened and looking around I locked eyes with this interesting looking man who after getting an espresso sat beside us. He was charming, spoke with elaborated arm movements, made a few jokes and had this twinkle in his eye - very intriguing. I can't remember anything about the conversation. Shortly afterwards we were called to the training room. I followed a Swedish girl who I thought looked interesting and was potential friendship material, so I sat down beside her. Amandio sat down beside me (he will have to explain his motivations for that himself! - LOL)
There was immediate chemistry, lots of innocent flirting and teasing. Friendly as I am, I offered to take Amandio and an Egyptian guy who was also sitting in the front row to the bank (to open an account for wage transfers). Throughout the three weeks of training I got to learn that he had an intriguing well-travelled background, amazing zest for life, passionate about future dreams, intelligent, curious nature, loved adventures, very attentive, very observant, a risk taker, strange sense of humour and yeah.. a charmer (he had no qualms about telling me that he had two other girlfriends in Paris at the time :-) I wasn't any better, I also had a long term boyfriend but had already split up once and our relationship was going down the toilet. I soon found myself falling under his spell. The atmosphere in the office was electric - we hung out with a circle of international friends, salsa dancing, restaurants, bars and discos. Things were rapidly heating up between us, 'innocent' touches, flirting, making suggestive comments etc. Finally, one month later we kissed :-) I can't say that it was an earth shattering kiss (we knew it was going to happen, I felt a little guilty and it is always strange kissing someone when you are used to someone else). The earth moved however the following day when he kissed me goodbye in the hallway of his apartment. That was the moment I fell in love.
I cut away all ties with my boyfriend and gave myself over completely to the most intense weeks of my life. Then, heart ache! One of his girlfriends decided she wanted to live in Ireland. We called a halt, I had fallen too deep and couldn't be the bit on the side (it was all or nothing for me). Amandio being a gentleman (a bit taken aback by his own feelings for me too) gave her time to find her feet before breaking it off with her. During this period, all I remember is listening to Macy Gray 'I Try' and 'trying' to get on with my life, going out and seeing other guys.
Early that November we went with a group of ten on a Familiarisation trip to Florida (we had won these for achieving the highest sales results in the office). I restrained myself the first night but then after that I couldn't resist his advances, so we had two weeks of clandestine romance. On the plane on the way home we acknowledged the strength of what we had together, yet also realised that the time was wrong (he had his girlfriends/not ready to settle) and I was finishing my studies, just out of a longterm relationship and thinking of going to Wales to do a follow up course. We decided to let destiny take its course.. if we were meant to be it would happen.
Who were we kidding!! By Millenium New Years Eve he had broken off his relationships (given himself some time alone to re adjust) and was on a bus with me to spend the holidays with me, Elma and Rinus in Castletownbere. The stars were aligned perfectly that night and we couldn't have been happier. He was a big hit and was completely at home with my family, being the perfect gentleman that he is, charming and obviously besotted by me. As Elma said it was if he needed to touch me every few seconds. I moved in to his new apartment, which he shared with his brother Pedro, a month later.
Amandio has a slightly different version: He says we met outside the office first where he was smoking a cigarrette and asked me directions to the canteen. I honestly don't remember this, but it is possible. I was nervous for my first day at work.
So that is the story! Eight years later we are here together living one of the many dreams we shared way back then - together on a paradise island with palm trees.

Happy Anniversary Jojinho. I love you :-)

Updates: Beautiful Soul :-)

Today's session wasn't quite as traumatic as yesterday. There was more focus on restoration of self belief which over the years has become slightly belittled and some innocence lost. The fifth Chakra played a big part in restoring and trusting my inner voice and giving me the strength to be true to myself in situations where I feel put down. I managed to breathe much more freely and when I felt pain or blockage I could push through it - a great feeling. Before the session we examined areas in my life where I have felt suppressed, the reasons why I was open to certain friendships and felt a lack of intimacy. The whole thing was very enlightening and I felt very 'whole' afterwards. Letting go.... The therapist gave me a DVD 'The Secret' to watch with Amandio. I had a quick look on the website, www.thesecret.tv, to see what it is about - 'The Law of Attraction' - sounds interesting. (Just hope it isn't one of those self-help with all the answers kind of thing - we'll see!). She said she really enjoyed working with me because I am so in tune with my emotions (dunno if that was to make me feel good, but hey.. it worked!). She is coming to BKK in a few weeks and said that she would love to see me and how I progress.

Six Senses flew in a well known psychic healer while all the GMs were here for the annual conference. I had been hoping that Amandio could go too (more inclined to seeing as he is male and also highly recommended by peers, so more 'normal' :-) but he was in such demand and the quality of the healing was so intense (due to high stress levels)that he was exhausted on the last day and it wasn't possible. Apparently some are regulars, and for the others it was a life changing experience and are now starting diets, reorganising priorities, more in touch with emotions and feel a need for general wellbeing. He will be visiting the BKK office so Amandio will get his chance then!! LOL.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the day working (preparing corporate marketing material for New Cambridge). I have agreed (after loads of pleading on their behalf) to take over their corporate business; developing and co-ordinating it. However, I am going to do it purely on a part-time basis - less stress and allowing me flexibility to travel with Amandio. This means I can work while I am away, particularly developing course materials (I keep authors rights and get a percentage of all sales as well as hourly pay - cool!). I will continue teaching IELTS when in BKK and of course any business courses we sign on in the future.

Our Maldivian dream is almost coming to an end - back to reality :-( I guess this is my way of slowly easing into it. I will probably feel a little shell-shocked the first few days in BKK - but then I'll get back into the swing of things.

Updates: Holistic Healing

Yesterday (5th June) was an 'opening the floodgates' day for me! I had really pushed aside the whole pregnancy issue and hidden it in the deep recesses of my mind/heart. One of the reasons for taking a month off in the Maldives was to focus on 'me' in a quiet stressfree paradise. We have set a deadline to conceive naturally before seeing our fertility specialist again (Specialist had said to see him again last January but we think when we return from Portugal, mid August). Elma inspired me by wisely suggesting 'Your physical blockages may be cleared, but the energy channels may not realise that and still be blocked'.
Amandio went to see a nutritionist and will start a 'Healthy Regime' when we return to Bangkok. Of course I really need to support him on this one as it entails having a variety of salads available in the fridge, buying a juicer for healthy drinks etc. I knew there was a reason why I had to go with him to the consultation!! Hmm.. roped in! Only kidding - it will be a team effort. She also recommended certain foods for my skin and for preconceptual care. Anyway.. digressing.. it was she who suggested I go and see a Holistic Healer at the Spa here. (She also thought that Homeopathy would be good to break the cycle of endometriosis in my body). I had already been thinking of going to the Ayurvedic doctor (Indian natural herbal medicine)but having Elma's comment fresh on my mind, decided to go for it.
Out of three options: Balancing Chakras, Rebirthing and Kundalini Yoga I chose the first. So 'tuning' and 'alignment' of my Chakras for me... I felt like I was going to a car repair shop!! :-)
It was all very interesting and quite therapeutic. She began by asking lots of personal questions to zone in on the root issue that I needed to work on. We went through loads of things - I won't bore you all with the minute details.. but basically it boils down to 'self love'. We started discussing my fertility problems when she hit the nail on the head. I burst into an uncontrollable flow of tears when she said 'You are perfect the way you are'. I needed desperately to hear that! Why?? From what I said, my reactions and energy we uncovered that I had been supressing my disappointment in not being able to conceive naturally (since the tests discovered that my Fallopian tubes were blocked, almost 3 years ago), my feeling of being a failure as a woman, my feelings of guilt and sadness at not being able to start a family, each monthly period, guilt for feeling jealous when friends, family did and guilt for not being able to provide this for Amandio. I have always set really high standards for myself in life, which is okay when everything goes well (I do lead a blessed life in many ways) but when it doesn't I crash and burn. I dealt with this by suppressing and being tough on myself, my own biggest critic, being hard on myself to defend myself before I felt anyone else could hurt me. She then asked me to answer a question spontaniously "On a scale of 1 to 10, what chance to you feel you have to get pregnant naturally?" (no IVF treatments etc). I answered... 3 ...(enough said).
So the Balancing of my Chakras involved lying down comfortably, mask over my eyes and breathing deeply while she focused on my energy. After the intial giggling phase was over and I had relaxed slightly, she asked me to invite someone with whom I feel connected on a spiritual level to help me.... which I did for a while and it comforted me, but then I let go as I felt I wanted to do this alone. It was so weird, she never touched me (don't really know what she was doing, some type of Reiki, I guess) but I could feel at different stages heat or pain in my heart area, lower abdomen and third eye. I had a few intervals of seeing a really bright white light. However, the craziest thing, was that I had real difficulty breathing, my breath caught constantly in my stomach, it wasn't flowing freely, tears streaming. Loads of thoughts were coursing through my head.. each one (remembering a bit of Buddhism) I tried to accept and let go. After what seemed like only a few moments (actually one hour) she touched my arm lightly saying it was over (I jumped). She left the room and told me to stay lying down and slowly I felt my breath returning to normal. I had a searing pain down my right arm and both my hands were constantly tingling (I've had that a once or twice before....). She said that this was trapped/suppressed energy and emotions being released. It took at least 15 mins to stop.
We discussed what I had experienced. She told me that the blockage was really strong in my Second Chakra (see previous post)- there was absolutely no energy flow below my abdomen. She was happy when I told her that I had felt my legs and toes towards the end but that perhaps I would need another session. We discussed how I could incorporate expressing my emotions into my life to continue working on this area (she was pleased to hear my creative release in my poetry and it made sense to her that I had needed to explore that at this time in my life). When she heard that I had limited friends in BKK she suggested some form of Meditation Yoga or counselling to keep working through this.
I went home and we went for a walk along the beach. Amandio was very supportive but his first reaction was to take the 'blame' for my 'sadness'. I guess it is hard for him to understand and he isn't all that good with emotions and tears anyway.
He was such a dear all night and even in the company of his bosses (all here visiting for the annual GMs meeting for a week) for dinner he kept his arm around me. I fell asleep with him holding me - I was utterly exhausted going to bed.
I felt a weight had been lifted yet still extremely emotional, some things unaddressed and not this 'perfect/balanced' feeling that she had said I would initially feel. I have decided to go back to see her again (despite the cost) - Amandio's caring suggestion - tomorrow.
Don't worry, I am okay - I just think I need to work through this (there is absolutely no medical reason why we haven't conceived yet) to straighten some things out in my soul/life. So both of us are going through the motions - Amandio his new diet and me well.. dunno.. unblockage? No, that has digestive tract connotations!! LOL

Updates: Second Shakra

Each of the seven chakras is responsible for filtering energy in a different way that facilitates growth, well-being, and stability.
The even-numbered chakras (the second at the pelvis, the fourth, at the heart, and the sixth, at the third eye) are concerned with the "feminine" qualities of relaxation and openness. These chakras exercise our rights to feel, to love, and to see. Odd-numbered chakras, found in the legs and feet, solar plexus, throat, and crown of the head, are concerned with the "masculine" endeavor of applying our will in the world, asserting our rights to have, to ask, to speak, and to know. The odd-numbered, masculine chakras tend to move energy through our systems, pushing it out into the world and creating warmth and heat. The even-numbered, feminine chakras cool things down, attracting energy inward.

The Second Chakra
The Swadisthana, Sacral or 2nd Chakra, is located in the lower belly, two or three inches below the navel. Its name means "abode of the vital force" or "dwelling place of the self. The second chakra is the centre of our feelings and creativity. Through this chakra we begin to understand our reactions to our inner and outer worlds, and decide how we are going to express these reactions. Feelings originating here are generally 'softer' and the most healthy way to work them out is through creative or emotive expression. This centre is particularly important to women who store most of their life energy within it. It is strongly linked to the intestines and female reproductive system.
The tasks of the second chakra include allowing for emotional and sensual movement in our life, opening to pleasure, and learning how to "go with the flow." Trying to influence the outer world is not the province of the second chakra. Instead of demanding that our body or a relationship be different, the second chakra encourages us to feel the feelings that arise as we open to life just as it is. As we allow ourselves to accept what is, we taste the sweetness (and bitter sweetness) of life. When we relax our resistance to life, our hips let go, our reproductive organs become less tense, and we're open to experiencing our sensuality and sexuality.

Human Challenge and Gift: to bond and connect with others without losing our identity.

Soul Desire: to freely expand - to effortlessly create. The greatest need is to be respected and acknowledged.

Primal Relationship: with other human beings, emotions and emotional body, inner child, wildman or wild woman.

Descriptors: The color is orange. Animals such as fish and lizards. The image in nature is to focus on is moonlight or clear water. It yang element involves how we express feelings to others and create within the world. The yin aspect involves absorbing and interpreting others' feelings, making self- judgments.
All watery things about us have to do with this chakra: circulation, urination, menstruation, orgasm, tears. Water flows, moves, and changes, and a healthy second chakra allows us to do so too.

Problems: Fertility issues, ovarian disorders.
Iissues from stored , stuck or unexpressed emotions from self or others, co-dependency (literally taking on or storing another's feelings) creative blocks, blame, guilt, money, sex, power, control, morality.

Spiritual lesson: This chakra often offers us the opportunity to lessen our "control issues" and find a balance in our lives, teaching us to recognize that acceptance and rejection are not the only options in our relationships. Creativity, honoring relationships, learning to "let go".

Poetry: Mother

Happy Birthday! (02-06-07)
This photo was taken last January when Elma and Rinus where visiting us in Thailand. I love this photo. Rinus looks like a wealthy businessman on safari and Elma an impish child :-)

My Mother
Elma, my mother, my friend, my light,
Many names, but one compassionate heart.
A heart whose love shows no bounds,
That has gently guided me through my life,
Giving me freedom to choose my own way.
Awareness and reflection always encouraged,
Revealing the complex workings of our souls.
You taught me to turn inwards, look at myself,
Find a path where I'm at peace with my feelings.
Buddhism, Celtic mysticism, Catholicism mingle,
Introducing a kaleidoscope of unearthly colours.
Your personal quest to reach enlightenment,
The strength to be an independent woman,
To live your life not only as a single mother.
You awakened my passion for beauty,
Tragic love with Oscar Wilde fireside tales,
Preserved and fed the magic of childhood,
Your touch turning our simple home to gold.
Your being resonates lovingly on my soul.
Elma, I love you.

Poetry: Windswept

Howling wind through woven thatch,
You challenge me to enter thy wrath.
With forceful gusts you bellow my name,
Trepid excitement I submit to your game.

Violently you hurl sand at my ankles,
Enthral me with white capped waves.
Needles of sea spray lash at my face,
Windswept palm trees lose their grace.

My determined steps defy your power,
Yet stand in awe of greatest splendour.
Crushing all that stand up against you,
How my chosen path is forced askew.

Like a pawn I bend to commands so pure,
Life is humbled in the wake of grandeur.
To survive I surrender to your might,
No rules, accepting, I relinquish the fight.

Aware of my trust you see a worthy ally,
Arms outstretched, I welcome passionate fury.
I undo my hair inviting your advances,
With wild abandon, our freedom dances.

Playfully we wrestle like lion and lioness,
Your magnitude becomes a loving caress.
Laughing together we let go of control,
Filling my lungs you rejuvenate my soul.

Updates: Snorkelling

Yesterday (26-05-07)was a significant day for me – I went snorkelling! Yeah, so what? Well, I have always been very uncomfortable underwater. I love swimming; in fact I do so almost every day in Bangkok as a form of exercise. However, underwater I feel claustrophobic and have difficulty relaxing. The only other time I tried anything remotely like snorkelling was in East Timor in 2002. Seeing a huge sea snake almost as soon as I entered the water only added to my palpitations and I quickly decided I had had enough. One of my biggest issues with snorkelling is having to breathe through my mouth. When I get nervous I usually inhale and exhale through my nose to relax.

Now, all of this presented a few problems for me. One of which was the fact that I am staying an entire month in the most sought after diving destination in the world. It would be almost unforgivable if I didn't at least try. Secondly, I am a passionate lover of beauty. Having the magic and exquisite colours of the reef world at my finger tips was enough motivation for me to work through my fear.
So yesterday morning, I woke up with a mission. It was Amandio's day off and it was time to put my weeks of promises to myself and planning into action. After a hearty breakfast we cycled to the dive centre at the other end of the island to select our gear. As if by some scheming conspiracy to weaken my new found determination, there was no one there to attend us. No, I wasn't giving up lightly, so we lay on some hammocks hung between coconut trees nearby, keeping a vigilant eye on the door. Immediately after someone arrived, I tried on flippers and a mask for size. Even just breathing in through my nose while trying on the mask to see if it fit (sucking it to my face) had my alarm bells ringing…

We decided that it would be best for me to start off in the pool to get used to breathing through the mouth piece. Again, putting on the mask made me break out into a sweat. Amandio was great, really patient (not usually his best virtue), coaching and supporting me step by step. I found that I relied on him for even small decisions like 'what do I do next?' even though it was quite obvious to me what to do. Funny how sometimes to overcome a fear you need someone you trust to take you through the smallest steps to help you confront it, as if reaffirmation diminishes the obstacle at hand. After several laps of our pool I felt like I had mastered the art of breathing though the tube, diving under and holding my breath and resurfacing blowing out the water. I was ready to face the sea!
Again, lots of silly questions and semi hysterical nervous laughter ensued. I was quite humoured by the whole situation, picturing in my mind's eye how I must look. By the way, IS there an elegant way to walk in flippers!?? LOL!

When I felt confident enough we took our gear to a jetty protruding out beyond the coral reef surrounding the island. Right, it was now or never! Without any hesitation I took the plunge (literally)… I knew that thinking about it would be dangerous.
Amandio held my hand the whole time as we swam – it felt so safe, anchoring me.
It was like we had entered a whole other world; where else in nature can you see creatures with horizontal rainbow coloured stripes? Such vibrant colours, I loved the silky midnight black fish contrasted with a splash of indigo. I relaxed enough to observe different habits, some fish were youthfully playing in the bright coral, feeding on plankton, basking in the warm sunlight filtering through, showing respect to the bigger fish, others hunting. It was like watching a street-scene underwater. I was mesmerized, transfixed by the vivacious life hidden under the waves and the multitude of colours surpassed my most vivid dreams.
However, as time progressed, the shelf got deeper, the fish bigger and the rift stronger, I felt a certain uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. I signalled to Amandio to return back to the jetty. After what seemed like hours of regulating my breathing, ignoring the water that had seeped into my mask, being jostled about in the waves and a slight cramp in my left foot, we finally made it back. I have to admit, I was quite relieved at that point.
When I got back to the villa I felt hungry, nauseous, almost sea-sick! I had to lie down for 20 minutes before I felt normal again. :-) However, all these heavenly images are firmly glued to my retina, making it all worthwhile.
Looking back on my day, I feel powerful. I did it!