Yesterday (5th June) was an 'opening the floodgates' day for me! I had really pushed aside the whole pregnancy issue and hidden it in the deep recesses of my mind/heart. One of the reasons for taking a month off in the Maldives was to focus on 'me' in a quiet stressfree paradise. We have set a deadline to conceive naturally before seeing our fertility specialist again (Specialist had said to see him again last January but we think when we return from Portugal, mid August). Elma inspired me by wisely suggesting 'Your physical blockages may be cleared, but the energy channels may not realise that and still be blocked'.
Amandio went to see a nutritionist and will start a 'Healthy Regime' when we return to Bangkok. Of course I really need to support him on this one as it entails having a variety of salads available in the fridge, buying a juicer for healthy drinks etc. I knew there was a reason why I had to go with him to the consultation!! Hmm.. roped in! Only kidding - it will be a team effort. She also recommended certain foods for my skin and for preconceptual care. Anyway.. digressing.. it was she who suggested I go and see a Holistic Healer at the Spa here. (She also thought that Homeopathy would be good to break the cycle of endometriosis in my body). I had already been thinking of going to the Ayurvedic doctor (Indian natural herbal medicine)but having Elma's comment fresh on my mind, decided to go for it.
Out of three options: Balancing Chakras, Rebirthing and Kundalini Yoga I chose the first. So 'tuning' and 'alignment' of my Chakras for me... I felt like I was going to a car repair shop!! :-)
It was all very interesting and quite therapeutic. She began by asking lots of personal questions to zone in on the root issue that I needed to work on. We went through loads of things - I won't bore you all with the minute details.. but basically it boils down to 'self love'. We started discussing my fertility problems when she hit the nail on the head. I burst into an uncontrollable flow of tears when she said 'You are perfect the way you are'. I needed desperately to hear that! Why?? From what I said, my reactions and energy we uncovered that I had been supressing my disappointment in not being able to conceive naturally (since the tests discovered that my Fallopian tubes were blocked, almost 3 years ago), my feeling of being a failure as a woman, my feelings of guilt and sadness at not being able to start a family, each monthly period, guilt for feeling jealous when friends, family did and guilt for not being able to provide this for Amandio. I have always set really high standards for myself in life, which is okay when everything goes well (I do lead a blessed life in many ways) but when it doesn't I crash and burn. I dealt with this by suppressing and being tough on myself, my own biggest critic, being hard on myself to defend myself before I felt anyone else could hurt me. She then asked me to answer a question spontaniously "On a scale of 1 to 10, what chance to you feel you have to get pregnant naturally?" (no IVF treatments etc). I answered... 3 ...(enough said).
So the Balancing of my Chakras involved lying down comfortably, mask over my eyes and breathing deeply while she focused on my energy. After the intial giggling phase was over and I had relaxed slightly, she asked me to invite someone with whom I feel connected on a spiritual level to help me.... which I did for a while and it comforted me, but then I let go as I felt I wanted to do this alone. It was so weird, she never touched me (don't really know what she was doing, some type of Reiki, I guess) but I could feel at different stages heat or pain in my heart area, lower abdomen and third eye. I had a few intervals of seeing a really bright white light. However, the craziest thing, was that I had real difficulty breathing, my breath caught constantly in my stomach, it wasn't flowing freely, tears streaming. Loads of thoughts were coursing through my head.. each one (remembering a bit of Buddhism) I tried to accept and let go. After what seemed like only a few moments (actually one hour) she touched my arm lightly saying it was over (I jumped). She left the room and told me to stay lying down and slowly I felt my breath returning to normal. I had a searing pain down my right arm and both my hands were constantly tingling (I've had that a once or twice before....). She said that this was trapped/suppressed energy and emotions being released. It took at least 15 mins to stop.
We discussed what I had experienced. She told me that the blockage was really strong in my Second Chakra (see previous post)- there was absolutely no energy flow below my abdomen. She was happy when I told her that I had felt my legs and toes towards the end but that perhaps I would need another session. We discussed how I could incorporate expressing my emotions into my life to continue working on this area (she was pleased to hear my creative release in my poetry and it made sense to her that I had needed to explore that at this time in my life). When she heard that I had limited friends in BKK she suggested some form of Meditation Yoga or counselling to keep working through this.
I went home and we went for a walk along the beach. Amandio was very supportive but his first reaction was to take the 'blame' for my 'sadness'. I guess it is hard for him to understand and he isn't all that good with emotions and tears anyway.
He was such a dear all night and even in the company of his bosses (all here visiting for the annual GMs meeting for a week) for dinner he kept his arm around me. I fell asleep with him holding me - I was utterly exhausted going to bed.
I felt a weight had been lifted yet still extremely emotional, some things unaddressed and not this 'perfect/balanced' feeling that she had said I would initially feel. I have decided to go back to see her again (despite the cost) - Amandio's caring suggestion - tomorrow.
Don't worry, I am okay - I just think I need to work through this (there is absolutely no medical reason why we haven't conceived yet) to straighten some things out in my soul/life. So both of us are going through the motions - Amandio his new diet and me well.. dunno.. unblockage? No, that has digestive tract connotations!! LOL
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